Bad Memories

So my dad went fishing today with my uncle Joe who is from Kansas and is visiting for the week. I can’t even remember the last time my dad went fishing, but when I heard he was going to go, I was reminded of a Very Bad Memory that happened when I was six years old.

In an out-of-the-ordinary move, the Schmucker aunts and uncles, it seems, decided to go to the lake on that fateful day back in 1981 and “go boating.” Very few of said family could swim at that time, and that hasn’t changed much to this day. So we somehow obtained a pontoon, and we all clambered aboard. I don’t know how many people there actually were, but I remember numerous aunts, uncles, and cousins aboard the watercraft. We really were clueless and didn’t observe any weight limitations. We had enough money for one boat, and we were going to get the biggest bang for our buck.

As it turned out, we had too many aunts, uncles, and cousins at the front of the pontoon, and those dangling their feet into the water were soon about to do a nose-dive into the water as we were clipping along full-speed ahead. Yes, the pontoon began to go under. So the Uncles cried aloud and told us all to move to the back. And we did—in a mad rush to save ourselves from ourselves. And then the back began to sink, and we began to see too much sky.

We eventually overcame the panic of the moment and balanced ourselves out. There were many frightened little people, among which was poor little six-year-old Me. We made our way back to the shore, and there ensued many departures from said boat.

I also remember the bright idea the Uncles had to go wading. And my dad was among them. And then he got out further than he intended to go and began to panic. And the Uncles laughed at him. I was so MAD at them for laughing!!

I had to resist the urge to send my life jacket over for my dad before he went fishing this morning…

He says it was the most fun he’s ever had fishing, but I must admit, I can breathe a little easier now that he’s back.

I maintain that Landlubbers simply do not belong in the water, and we would do well to remember that.

Mothers, teach your children to swim while they are yet young!

A Hard Pill to Swallow

I have just recently been enlightened about something that I feel inclined to share. And by doing so, it will accomplish one of two things: 1) it will either show how ignorant I really was prior to the enlightened moment, or 2) it will give you an insight to a very Clever Thing.

I was mostly very healthy as a child, and up till about the age of 15, I didn’t even know what a headache was like. I never really took pills for much of anything, and, in fact, I developed quite an aversion to taking the things. The few times I had occasion to swallow a pill, I always felt like I was on the verge of choking and would often have to have bread or a cracker nearby to ensure the descent of said pill. Unfortunately, I have now succumbed to a new Age—that of vitamins, Aleve, and allergy pills becoming a necessity.

So the other day, I was complaining to Nancy about how hard it is on me to take some of my “horse pill” vitamins. I have to gag and splutter and carry on and would just rather skip the whole thing than to have to risk the Fatal Choke.

Nancy is well-versed in how to take pills apparently, as home health is her expertise. “Just tuck your chin,” she said.

“What?!”

“Tuck your chin,” she repeated. “Look down when you swallow. When you throw your head back, you are actually cutting off your esophagus.”

I didn’t let my skepticism show too much, but when I went to take my vitamins the next day, I tried it. Lo and behold! It works! The biggest vitamin went down with no problem whatsoever. I was amazed, to say the least, and have been using the technique ever since.

The next time I saw Mom take her pills (in much the same way I had been doing, i.e., throwing back the head and looking up at the ceiling), I asked her why in the world she hadn’t taught me the proper way to take a pill. “I didn’t know there was another way,” she said. So I enlightened her. She didn’t think it was any easier, but it has totally changed my pill-taking life.

Next, I told Sharon, and she was equally flabbergasted. We must have had the same mother.

So I’m beginning to wonder…how do you take your pills?