Homage to a Furnace

"This is what I am talking about," said Sharon, standing in front of the open oven door. "Real heat."

We had been cold all day and were never able to quite get toasty enough.

"Do you remember the days of our old furnace?" I asked her, joining her at the oven door. And so we remembered…

In the house of our childhood, we had had an old furnace that had to be lit every fall at the outset of the cold season by crawling under the house. It took up about a 2' x 3' area in the hall in front of the living room door. It was covered by a metal grate and was controlled by a thermostat on the wall. You could always tell when the cold season had arrived by the smell of the burning dust that had accumulated on top of it over the summer. Once it had gotten the dust out of its system, all was well. And during the winter, family life centered around that crusty old furnace.

Every Sunday the after church, the first thing we would do after we got home was to gather around the furnace and "toast" ourselves—something our mother taught us to do quite well. "I'm toasting" was just as commonly heard as was "I'm reading." Everyone would take a side of the furnace, and our skirts would go billowing out. We could tell who was hogging the heat by whose skirt was the most "present." The best position was to stand across the corner—one foot in the living room and one foot in the hall. Our legs would turn bright red from the heat—and yet, we continued to toast until we couldn't stand it anymore.

It was while on this furnace that "Knuckle Juice" was commonly ingested. Knuckle Juice was invented by none other than my mother. As we would toast ourselves while gathered around her skirt, something would happen to Mom. Instead of being the kind, compassionate mother we normally had when she was not toasting, she would get a look in her eye and turn all mean; she would grab the fist of her nearest offspring and would demand some Knuckle Juice. "I want some Knuckle Juice," she would roar, and whoever the Victim of the Day was would [could only] protest with all the vigor of a worm. The fist would finally make it up to her mouth, and she would "gnaw" on it until we thought we must surely be the unfortunate, but infamous, Hansel or Gretel. When we were giggling helplessly and held up only by the fist wedged firmly in her mouth, she would let us return to our prior state. There was nothing quite like the terror of having your mother come after you for Knuckle Juice. To this day, we know to give proper respect to that vicious monster that now lies dormant—but we know he is still there just waiting for another dose of good ol' Knuckle Juice.

The hall in which the furnace resided led directly from the kitchen to the laundry. Like most children, we routinely ran through the house. But we knew enough to give the old furnace some respect. And so the dash from the front door to the back bedroom via the hall would require a fancy sprint. You either had enough speed that you would jump over the entire thing, or mid furnace your right leg would take a detour to the living room, after which your left leg carried you into the hall and back on track.

We had steel-wheeled roller skates that we used regularly. That old furnace was nothing more than a bump in the road during the summer time, if we had enough speed. Our little steel wheels would only occasionally get caught in the grate.

One time during the winter, I misjudged the physics that surrounded the furnace, and I tripped and fell, landing on top of the hot furnace grate. I had burns in the shape of a grid across my leg for the next little while.

We had another furnace very similar to the above-referenced that resided at the far end of the dining room. It was by this furnace that the infamous cat (who caused my dad to upchuck his cheerios) died. It was seemingly not only people who enjoyed toasting, but also our entire entourage of cats. They loved to crawl under the house in cold weather to bask in its warmth.

Ahh, yes. That was real heat, but sadly enough, that furnace is no longer around. It has been replaced by several gas heaters over the years and, just recently, central heat and air.

But you just can't get warm enough in this below 20 degree weather. I have to say, that was one fine furnace!