Restroom Etiquette

I recently came across an entry on Brian's blog that intrigued me and subsequently inspired this post. It was a "letter" detailing all the things he as a school administrator REALLY wanted to tell the parents but didn't dare to. That was the inspiration for the following letter that will, unfortunately, never get sent to the audience who really needs it.
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Dear Public Restroom User,

There is a time and there is a place when one must use restroom facilities outside the comfort of one’s own home. As someone who is a fellow user of public restrooms and as someone who cleans a public restroom frequently, I feel inclined to address this issue for the good of the general public. It seems that Miss Manners has shirked her duty in this particular area, and there are thousands of you—maybe even millions—who do not seem to know public restroom etiquette.

If you are in your own home, you should feel free to disregard the gist of this letter and develop your own bathroom habits; that is, as long as they have the blessing of the mistress of the house. If, on the other hand, you are in need of a restroom outside of what you can call your own, be grateful for the convenience of whatever establishment you are taking advantage of at the time, and use some courtesy and some common sense.

Ladies, it is perfectly obvious to me that many of you are quite willing to take advantage of a restroom at any time and in any place. It is also clear that you think yourself "above" coming into contact with the actual seat. Many of you have developed muscles in places that just as many of us others haven’t. You hover over the seat while you seek out your blessed relief. This is unaffectionately known as the Hoover Maneuver. While this in itself is not the crime, would it be too much to ask for you to clean up the cesspools of urine you leave behind? Must you smile sweetly at me as you exit the stall, knowing full well what I will encounter when I step inside in your wake? Do you really want me to judge your character based on these particular fruits of your labor? Can you not show a little courtesy and clean up the mess you were so willing to make?

And when it goes beyond the trails of urine and turns into "moose tracks," what in the world are you thinking? And just how, exactly, does one go about accomplishing smearing the seat? I’d really like to know. Just how can you manage to get it on the seat, on the walls, on the floor, and on the commode tank all in one sitting? It must take some moves that only a circus acrobat is typically capable of. Are you sure you’re not in the wrong profession? What would help you to avoid situations such as these? Bigger stalls? More toilet paper? Some wet wipes? A mop and bucket? A car wash?

Gentlemen, I think ladies will always have issues with you leaving the seat up. This in itself, however, is not your greatest crime. See Paragraphs 3 and 4. It seems that it should be very simple for you really, as the very nature of your anatomy should make your trips to the restroom very clean and hassle-free. Can’t aim? Then by cracky {no pun intended}, SIT DOWN!! And just how hard can it be to flush? If you plan it right, you can flush and put the seat down all in one efficient, fluid motion. And while you ridicule us women folk for taking so long to take care of our business, don’t think for a minute that we don’t know how it is that you can zip in and out so fast. Couldn’t you take just a couple seconds longer to WASH YOUR FILTHY HANDS?

Now let’s review, gentlemen:
1. Aim.
2. Flush.
3. Put the seat down.
4. Wash!

And if you’re in a restroom with paper towels, can you not put the towels IN the trash can instead of on the counter, on the floor, in the back corner, in Stall 1, or in Stall 2? And how can you get so comfortable sitting in someone else’s bathroom that you have the time and the nerve to display your love interest in writing on someone else’s walls? Or worse, use vulgar language on those sacred walls! Would you write the same thing in your own house?

Must we resort to having bathroom monitors or to charging fees for restroom use as Europe does? Ladies, would you feel more at home in Romania where the HM is the norm?

If you use the last of the toilet paper, can you not mention something to someone in management? Must you set the next person up for what will inevitably result in paragraphs 3 and 4?

Because one of these days, I [or someone like me] will have reached my limit. I will come running after you across the parking lot screaming, "Ma’am! Ma’am! You forgot something!" I will then take you by your guilty hand and lead you back to the scene of the crime. I will kindly hand you a big wad of toilet paper, point at your little cesspool, smile broadly, and say, "See?"

With best wishes for your restroom success,

Kris