Math Rampage and Quitters Inc

I have three tests next Tuesday which is not a very Fond Thing. I strongly dislike having multiple tests on the same day. It really ruins the weekend before because studying for an exam is one of those "song that never ends" deals. You can always study more and more and more... there's no end to it. You keep thinking, well, I SHOULD be studying this...or I COULD be studying that...or I NEED to study that a little more.... but I don't FEEL like it!

Instead, Sharon and I have been amusing ourselves with converting our old cassettes to CDs. It's amazing and so much fun! We're going to convert all our cassettes to CDs then box those things up and put them into storage. Sharon got me the converter in the name of Christmas, but I think there were some ulterior motives. We've got three down and about 100 more to go. CDs are just friendlier than cassettes. We did go through quite the ordeal though. In order for it to work, your tape player has to have an "Out" adapter, which, of course, we didn't figure out until we had it all hooked up, etc. The only stereos that have an Out are those that are a part of a home theater system. So to Ebay we went. Sharon now has the first component to her future home theater system, a much-needed part of this conversion process. She saved about $60 getting it on Ebay.

My Math teacher went on a rampage yesterday when we didn't give her the word she was prompting us for. She's a very sarcastic person and to someone with a sense of humor, she can be mildly amusing at times. Yesterday, however, my nerves were shot. She howled at us, telling us that she is "NOT responsible for teaching us the things [we] should've learned in high school." As I told my buddy Crystal (who always walks me to my next class), it would be ideal to spout out the word she wants at the exact moment she wants it, but yelling at me is not going to get the desired results; in fact, the reverse happens, and my mind goes into Shutdown Mode as I calmly do my best to block her out. My buddy William just shook his head and said, "The theatrics are beginning to get in the way of the teaching." Exactly. In the middle of her tirade, she marched over to the board on the side wall, and to do so, she passed the door to the hall. She turned around and said, "Well, now the students out in the hall [waiting to get into their classrooms] are worried for you, but my goodness, YOU should be worried for you." Yadayadayada... and this was all because no one said the word "proportional" as it relates to similar triangles. Anyhow, she's really a good teacher overall, and I know this is just her personality. I also know I'm not exactly the dullest blade in the patch, but my goodness... after a while you begin to feel like a child who has just been spanked.

Yesterday, one of our regular patients was in for her monthly appointment. She ALWAYS brings a book with her and just reads and reads and reads. So we got to talking about books. She's part of a book club and has built quite a library for herself. It's refreshing, really, to see someone so into reading... a rarity these days. Anyway, she loves Stephen King, an author I am neither fond of nor appreciate very much. But this discussion brought to mind a story written by Stephen King that I had accidentally read (on audio) when I worked at the REC. It was a short story called "Quitters Inc." It is a story that has scarred the recesses of my mind, and I know it's one I'll never forget.

The plot of the story is basically this: This man finds a company called Quitters Inc, a company who has a program that guarantees 100% smoking cessation success. They've never had anyone go through their program and not been able to quit smoking. So this man half-heartedly thinks he'll try it; he's sure he's the one to disprove the effectiveness of the program. So he shows up and signs up for the program. The details get a little sketchy, but they basically tell him he's enrolled for life and if he lights up from this moment forward, they will without a doubt find out that he did and will at that point take measures to stop him. They give him no patches, no drugs, nothing. They just tell him to stop. So he heads home, certainly not a believer at this point. He goes a while without smoking because there seemed to be something ominous about the whole thing. But the temptation became too much for him and late one night, he goes down to his study and hunkers down into a corner, well out of sight....and when he's sure he's not being watched, he lights up. No lightning strikes, no nothing. Ahh... what relief... he goes back to bed, certain that the pleasure of the smoke is worth anything that they could possibly do to him...IF they actually did find out. The next day, the hunchmen come for him. They never tell him how they knew he'd done it--that's just one of the mysteries of the story. He personally thinks it's a fluke.

Well, they take him to their facilities and he is ushered into an observation room with a big window with one-way glass. To his horror, he finds himself watching his wife being held captive in the inner room. They tell him that his punishment is that he must watch as they shock his wife with some sort of electrical gadget. He screams and cries and promises he will never light up again if they will just spare his wife being tortured. If I remember correctly, they did let both of them go unharmed. The wife, by the way, has no idea this is in any way connected to her husband; her room had been sound proof. Time goes on, and he remains smoke free. Then temptation hits again with a vengeance. He thinks surely by this time his "watchers" have long ago abandoned his cause, and if he planned it right, he could sneak a smoke unawares. Just to be sure, he planned it so that he would be in his car in a tunnel during rush hour traffic when he again attempted sneaking a cigarette. Alas, the next day, he is again retrieved by the henchmen of Smokers Inc. He again is ushered into the same room, and he is already screaming and wailing and promising. This time, however, he must watch as his wife has her arm broken (I think it was her arm...but could've been some other body part). And then they are again freed. This time his urge for smoking is utterly, completely broken. And he joins the ranks of the 100% success statistics. Cured for life!

Now isn't that a typical Stephen King story? I did not realize it was S.K., however, until after I had read it already and then checked the author out. Shivers! I just have to periodically think of that story and replace the "Quitters Inc" with "Losers Inc." Do you think it would be so hard to lose weight if the price you paid was to watch your family being tortured? Now, you skinnies probably can't even identify with that thought, but it's a thought just the same. Does your love for your family outweigh your love for food?? Something to think [and shiver] about. I'll bet it would be a pretty effective weight loss program, no?

Anyway, I brought the same idea up with this patient who, incidentally, is overweight. She just laughed and laughed. She said, "My poor husband.... he'd be DEAD." And when I told Sharon, she said, "My husband would have nubs for arms." That was my morbid chuckle of the day.

And now that "the beauty issue" has been hashed and my paper turned in, here's the next one: I have to write a paper for my cultural diversity class on "My Culture." Heavens! How does one explain our culture in a nice neat little package? This'll be a tough one!

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The following excerpts come from myself and my siblings as they have corrected me on the details of Quitters Inc.

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2/5/05, addendum from Kris:

As usual, Sharon was able to clarify the fuzzy details on the story Quitters Inc., so here are the details to the story as it really was.

The first time they only threatened to shock the wife; the second time, they actually shocked her (instead of breaking her arm), but they warned him that at the third offense, they would cut her finger off. He was, of course, cured after the second offense.

A while after the second offense, they were at a party; they got into a conversation with another couple and happened to bring up the topic of smoking cessation. The other man, as it turns out, had also quit smoking. "How'd you do it?" he was asked. "Quitters Inc," was the reply. It was then that they noticed that his wife's pinky finger was missing.

And that's the way it really happened.

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2/5/2005, later, from Sara:

Actually, the way it really, really happened...

The first time the man signed the contract, they took him to another room and made him watch as they did the "electrical" treatment on a mouse in a grid. It turned his stomach to watch it and then they explained to him that the first time his wife would be mildly shocked, the second time it would be more severe, then she'd start losing her fingers one at a time.

The couple they met at the party was the man who originally recommended Quitters Inc to him in the first place when he casually mentioned he should quit.

Another stipulation to his contract was that he was not allowed to gain any weight in doing so. Most smokers gain weight when they quit. So he had to frantically work out so as to protect his wife.

As you can see, the story made quite a vivid impression on me too. I'll bet it would work with losing weight too! But I'm sure not signing any contracts.

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2/5/2005, even later, from Alvin:

Really, I must apologize for my absent minded sisters. I suppose the toll of college and work is beginning to show. The first time they showed him the electrical treatment, it was a rabbit they did it on, not a mouse.